one woman's journey to a new life

a girl, a year, a hundred pounds to lose … and everything to gain

what i did today… November 3, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — martiikuznicki @ 12:28 am

well, i did it. signed up for the gym. 

do not adjust your screens. i actually signed up for the gym… thanks to a solid kick in the ass by m. m is one of my sorority sisters, she’s doing a program at the fancy gym attached to swedish covenant hospital-  it’s a 12 week membership, with a class once a week on different fitness topics. so basically- they teach you how to work on your fitness (cue fergie) – which is what i need. 

i haven’t exercised in… ever? i didn’t take PE in high school, because the idea of being a fat girl in a swimming suit with a bunch of boys around scared the hell out of me. and exercise in middle school consisted of me sitting on the stairs, or on the side and watching – because i was already fat and out of shape. 


this is a whole new ballgame.



how to piss off a fat girl in 2 easy steps October 27, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — martiikuznicki @ 3:48 pm

ladies and gents avert your eyes. there’s a fat girl in the store who wants to, god forbid, actually spend her money. 


so this morning over coffee (he had coffee, i was still trying to feign consciousness), the love of my life asked if i’d thought about a winter coat yet. now, i bought a coat last winter, but it was already a little big and that was something like 30 lbs ago, so it’s gonna look tenty – which is both good and bad – good, because that means i’m shrinking (and it was on sale for something like $25) and bad because, well, it’s cute. and i didn’t wear it  all that much last year. apparently he saw a cute jacket in the eddie bauer catalog, and thought i might want to go take a look at it. 


is it sad that my first thought was – i bet they don’t carry plus sizes in stores? 


is it sadder that my first impulse was right?


i, of course, go to the eb website. it’s a pain to navigate, so i went straight to their customer service chat: it’s easy, especially when i’m still not quite awake. i fill in my info, and get a presumably lovely person called Crissta G. she quickly and efficiently answered my question with “unfortunately, we do not carry plus sizes in our stores. you can go, look at things there and if they’re available in a plus size, you can order them to be shipped to the store at no charge for shipping. i know it would be easier if we carried them, but at least you can see the colors and fabrics before you make a decision.”


honestly, idgaf about colors or how the fabric feels at this point in the buying process. if i’m gonna look like 15 pounds of shit in a 5 pound bag, that’s what i want to know. 


old navy does this too. at one point they carried plus sizes in select stores. now it’s all online. with returns via mail. 


sometimes i just want a $5 t-shirt. or cheap jeans. and i’d rather not wait a week to get them to see that a- they’re made really shoddily, b- they don’t fit or c- both of these things. plus, we know that old navy has a ridiculous amount of size variance, their clothes are often cut funny and two of the same aren’t close to being the same. 


i don’t want to pay shipping twice. or in the case of eb, i don’t want to spend gas money to  go out there, order something i may well hate, just to spend more gas money to come home empty handed. 


so how do you piss off a fat girl in 2 steps

step 1: have seemingly cute clothes

step 2: don’t actually carry them.


easy as pie.


cw: 341.2


carbs are the devil…. and it’s the devil i love. October 6, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — martiikuznicki @ 1:38 am

let’s see how much of this entry i can recreate from memory, because i accidently backspaced out of the window, shall we.


hi guys. it’s me again. long time no talk. i know, i’m a slacker. i’m mostly okay with it. september was hard y’all – things didn’t go the way i planned, and i was in no mind set to do/say anything here. 


but now september is over (cue me failing to pass up on the cheap wake up the guys from green day joke … … now), i can get my head back in the game. or at least try.  which means try. and probably fail- but hey, life is like that. you try, you fail, you try again.


so as i write this (or, at least as i wrote this the first time), i am eating a dunkin donuts pumpkin muffin. hence the title of the post. carbs are the devil. they’re my ultimate weakness. i can say no to candy and cakes and cookies (although, if you know me, you know that doesn’t happen all too often), but carbs (bread in particular) are really REALLY hard for me to walk past. if i could, and could do it healthily, i would live on bread and butter. or sandwiches with thick pieces of crusty bread. really. it doesn’t take a whole lot to make my eastern european peasant heart happy.just some bread.


but i know i can’t. it’s the convincing myself that i can’t that’s the hard part.


so here we are, a new month, a new start. and a new fail. but that’s life- you try, you fail, you start again. you go with it. 



  • met kris allen yesterday w/ queen b. took a picture. don’t hate how i look in it. which is shocking, since the last time i took a picture that i didn’t hate may well have been my wedding pictures. which was closer to a decade ago than not. 
  • bought a pair of jeggings, will actually wear them in public. they’re way more body con than a lot of the stuff i wear in public, but they look good. i just have to cover my ass (figuratively and literally)
  • the scale numbers are moving. i’m under 345 for the first time in as long as i can remember.  which is good and a personal best atm, and i’m good with that. 
  • the bulk of the shirts i have now are getting too big. mixed feelings, since i actually LIKE my shirts.


  • no more job. part of why september sucked – i left on my terms more or less, but it’s still gonna suck, no more job means no more 4-6 hours of me walking around 3 days a week and getting paid for it. but… it does mean i have time for the gym? idk. mixed emotions at best about this one kids.
  • tuesday has matt leaving for india and ukraine for about two and a half weeks. i’m generally a mess when he’s gone (throws off the structure to my days, makes me feel more than a little coocoobananacrackers in my head, jacks up my sleep schedule). it’s gonna be a long couple of weeks.


weight – 342.8


As I write this, I’m sitting here eating a day old chocolate glazed donut August 21, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — martiikuznicki @ 9:36 pm

Yep, you read it right. As I write this, I’m sitting here eating a day old chocolate glazed donut. I’ve already put my calories into myfitnesspal, and I’m over for the day- yet I’m still eating.

It’s been one of those weeks really. We had house guests, which always makes food and meals more difficult – because they’re only in the city once a year, so we want to show them the best we have: places like Hot Dougs and Lou Malnati’s. I’ve been worn thin and ridiculously overemotional, thanks to a change in my medication we knew had the potential to do this, and when I am over emotional I am nothing if I am not eating.

I’m trying to stay positive about this. About all of it. I haven’t gotten on the scale this week, well, not yet- since I know I have to to end this post. I’m not scared: I don’t think it’s been that out of control, plus with working I move around a lot more than I have been, but I don’t like this feeling of spiraling.

But tomorrow is a new day. And hopefully, my decisions will be better.




here’s what i know about life … it goes on July 17, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — martiikuznicki @ 9:08 pm

it’s been a rough few weeks for me, personally. my father is in the hospital: he fell and fractured his hip, and at his age surgery isn’t an option. so he’ll be in the hospital for the next few weeks. on saturday afternoon, my cousin’s grandmother (who might as well have been my grandmother as well) passed away. it was sudden, but not completely unexpected – she was in her mid-90s, but it’s still been rough. that’s part of why i’ve been so quiet. apathy girl is winning, i’m just overwhelmed.


but, i can’t let it get away from me.


so here i am, plowing through. i know i said i was going to share the article i read in the sunday paper back on the 1st, so here it is.

But I don’t want to work out

When we see exercise as non-urgent, we ignore it. So what will move it up the list of priorities? It’s different for everyone.

June 13, 2012|By Julie Deardorff, Tribune Newspapers

When Ande Frayser lacks motivation to exercise, she thinks about the day when she burned a batch of chocolate chip cookies because she was too overweight and out of shape to reach the kitchen in time.

The experience was more than a wake-up call; it was a slap in the face. “It took a mind shift,” said the 40-year-old Maryland mom, who used to find all the usual excuses to avoid working out. “I now look at exercise the same way that I do eating, drinking and going to the bathroom: It is not always convenient, but it must be done.”

Frayser’s experience parallels what researchers are also discovering about exercise: If we don’t think it’s valuable and vital to our daily lives, we simply won’t do it. “It has to be a top priority because we are all too busy to fit anything into our lives that’s not essential,” said Michelle Segar, associate director of the Sport, Health, and Activity Research and Policy (SHARP) Center for Women and Girls at the University of Michigan.

Still, men and women aren’t necessarily motivated by the same things. Some common reasons people work out, such as weight loss, turn out to be surprisingly ineffective for some people. Our motivation to exercise also changes as we age, because “what we value is determined by our life stage and priorities at the time,” said Segar.

Most women, for example, start exercising to drop weight. But this can backfire; it can actually decrease motivation and worsen body image by fostering unhealthy ideals of thinness and creating unrealistic expectations, Segar said. Not only does that set women up to fail and feel bad about their bodies, but it turns exercise into a chore, and that undermines staying motivated, said Segar, lead author of a new study that looks at the type of ads that motivate men and women to exercise.

“For women, messages might be more motivating if they highlighted the connection between exercise and well-being,” said Segar. Men, on the other hand, may respond positively to ads promoting exercise for weight loss or better health, according to the new research, published in a special edition of the Journal of Obesity. Many men also value competition as a reason to exercise, but women consider it one of the least important reasons to work out, according to Segar’s research.

Segar believes most of us don’t stay motivated because “our society has prescribed it in a very one-size-fits-all way: It has to be intense and make you sweat and has to last 30 to 60 minutes to be worth doing.” In fact, there’s mounting evidence that moving more throughout the day, not just a longer duration, is important for health, said Segar, who advises seeking out any and all movement.

What most dedicated exercisers know is that once they establish the habit and reach a certain fitness threshold, working out gets easier. And while they may have started exercising to impress someone or look a certain way, they often keep doing it because it gives them more energy, improves mental health, can relieve depression and they almost always feel better post-workout.

“Most of the time what got us started running or exercising ends up having very little to do with why we keep at it,” said Christy Lambert, 33, the founder of, who started running because she wanted to prove to an ex-boyfriend that she could run a marathon. “I’m guessing he didn’t care, but it changed my entire life,” said Lambert, of Richland, Wash.

Frayser, who has dropped three sizes since her scorched-cookie debacle four years ago, is now a Zumba addict, takes Pilates-inspired workout classes and walks on her off-gym days. “Physically, I’m sore after a good workout, but mentally and emotionally, it is such a lift to know that I came, saw and conquered,” she said. “Each workout is such a victory for me, that when things aren’t going well in other things, I will hit the gym.”

Some options for inspiration

Some fitness goals can be more motivating than others. Here’s a glance at common sources of inspiration:

Fear of pain. “At the end of the day, avoiding pain is more of a motivator than gaining pleasure,” said Chuck Runyon, the CEO of Anytime Fitness and author of the book “Working Out Sucks (and Why it Doesn’t Have To).” But pain isn’t just physical. “Typically, it’s a hurtful comment that gets people motivated,” he said. “Or it’s a fear of not being able to sit in a roller coaster seat with your child or not seeing them grow up,” Runyon said.

To benefit health or prevent disease. While this sounds good on paper, the goals are too vague and distant. Segar’s research suggests they do a poor job “of bridging physical activity/exercise from ‘important’ to ‘essential.'”

“It’s easy to say ‘I value being healthy’ and much harder to make that non-urgent goal a consistent and top priority in a very busy life,” she said.

Family history: Darla Arni’s grandmother suffered from dementia, and now her mother has also been diagnosed. Hoping to avoid the condition, Arni, 55, walks four miles three to four times a week, practices yoga, meditates and watches her diet. As her mother’s caregiver, she also wants to spare her 17-year-old daughter from going through the same heartache and grief. “My mother’s illness motivates me to keep up the fight,” said Arni, of Slater, Mo.

Competition: Racing — and training for a race — can be highly motivating and provide a powerful sense of accomplishment. Or, if you’re a gym rat, try social media. Andrew Bradley, 29, makes an extra effort to get to his club to maintain his current status as the “Mayor” of the 24-Hour-Fitness in Roseville, Calif. The designation means he has checked into the venue on the Foursquare mobile app more often than anyone else. Whenever someone boots him out of office, he simply goes seven days a week until he reclaims the title.

Money: Paying people to attend the gym regularly for a month can serve as a catalyst to get them past the threshold of starting an exercise program, according to University of California researchers. But incentives are best used with people who currently don’t exercise, the researchers said. Paying people who already exercise may weaken their internal motivation so that when the incentives are removed, the people exercise less than before.

“Because I can”: When Mark Black was in end-stage heart failure, waiting for a heart-lung transplant in 2002, he couldn’t walk up a flight of stairs without losing his breath. Post transplant, he has run four marathons. “When I can’t get motivated to run, I remember what it was like not to be able to,” said Black, 34, of Canada. “Then I say I get to run rather than I have to run. It makes all the difference.”


what it’s been like to be fat my whole life July 11, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — martiikuznicki @ 7:12 pm

as a lot of you know, i track my food/movement/everything at someone in the forums posted a topic ” question for people who have been fat all their life” – and it sparked this. this is a little longer than what i originally posted over there, but the feel is the same.

i’ve always been fat. as i write this, i’m sitting here looking at the last official family portrait we took- since my mother hated the way she looked in pictures. i must be 4 or 5, and i’m a fat girl in a red dress. but i’m smiling- that genuine kool-aid smile that only little kids can give you. i have vivid memories of that dress – it was my favorite, because i felt pretty in it. i wish my scanner was working- i’d share the picture. for those of you who have been to my house, it’s on my bookshelf- ask about it.

it’s always been that way. the fat kid. that’s always been me. right now, at 348- i’m probably the lightest i’ve been since i got married 8 years ago. which was the lightest i can remember being since middle school.

i got a lot of teasing. A LOT of teasing. i was the kid that was ALWAYS picked last in gym- to the point that my gym teacher no longer cared if i ever participated- so i brought a book to gym and hung out in the corner and read. the kids didn’t want me to play, so i didn’t want to play with them. my roommate in college (the first time, it’s a long story) wrote an essay about diversity on how it was for her, a petite african american girl to live with me, the fat white girl. how she’d assumed i was lazy and smelled like b.o.- because that’s what fat people are. i think about the guys in middle school who thought it was funny to smack my behind, because they wanted to see the jiggle. i remember being asked how many stomachs i actually had- like not just how many stomach rolls i had, but as if i was some medical anomaly like an actual cow, since i looked like a cow.

and people wonder why i’ve been in and out of therapy for the better part of two decades.

as i’ve grown older, i’ve gotten much more comfortable with who i am and what i look like. but honestly, i can’t wait to feel better- physically and emotionally. i want to be able to go out and do things and not huff and puff about it.

that’s why i’m working toward this. why i’m trying to shed apathy girl (which isn’t working today, because the change in meds is making me sleepy), and get on with my life.


weight — 348.6 lbs


apathetic girl is winning July 9, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — martiikuznicki @ 3:15 am

today was apathy day.

i couldn’t blame it on the weather- after days and days of triple degree heat, it was nice today. i was just…lazy. i’m really tired, although i’m not sure why  just having problems with motivation in general. i did get up and take the dog on a short walk- after much poking and prodding- but that was it. i read two books.  i ate okay – under calories and all of that, but i didn’t do anything.

so here’s where i ask for suggestions:

what do you do when you’re unmotivated…