as a lot of you know, i track my food/movement/everything at myfitnesspal.com. someone in the forums posted a topic ” question for people who have been fat all their life” – and it sparked this. this is a little longer than what i originally posted over there, but the feel is the same.
i’ve always been fat. as i write this, i’m sitting here looking at the last official family portrait we took- since my mother hated the way she looked in pictures. i must be 4 or 5, and i’m a fat girl in a red dress. but i’m smiling- that genuine kool-aid smile that only little kids can give you. i have vivid memories of that dress – it was my favorite, because i felt pretty in it. i wish my scanner was working- i’d share the picture. for those of you who have been to my house, it’s on my bookshelf- ask about it.
it’s always been that way. the fat kid. that’s always been me. right now, at 348- i’m probably the lightest i’ve been since i got married 8 years ago. which was the lightest i can remember being since middle school.
i got a lot of teasing. A LOT of teasing. i was the kid that was ALWAYS picked last in gym- to the point that my gym teacher no longer cared if i ever participated- so i brought a book to gym and hung out in the corner and read. the kids didn’t want me to play, so i didn’t want to play with them. my roommate in college (the first time, it’s a long story) wrote an essay about diversity on how it was for her, a petite african american girl to live with me, the fat white girl. how she’d assumed i was lazy and smelled like b.o.- because that’s what fat people are. i think about the guys in middle school who thought it was funny to smack my behind, because they wanted to see the jiggle. i remember being asked how many stomachs i actually had- like not just how many stomach rolls i had, but as if i was some medical anomaly like an actual cow, since i looked like a cow.
and people wonder why i’ve been in and out of therapy for the better part of two decades.
as i’ve grown older, i’ve gotten much more comfortable with who i am and what i look like. but honestly, i can’t wait to feel better- physically and emotionally. i want to be able to go out and do things and not huff and puff about it.
that’s why i’m working toward this. why i’m trying to shed apathy girl (which isn’t working today, because the change in meds is making me sleepy), and get on with my life.
weight — 348.6 lbs