one woman's journey to a new life

a girl, a year, a hundred pounds to lose … and everything to gain

how to piss off a fat girl in 2 easy steps October 27, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — martiikuznicki @ 3:48 pm

ladies and gents avert your eyes. there’s a fat girl in the store who wants to, god forbid, actually spend her money. 


so this morning over coffee (he had coffee, i was still trying to feign consciousness), the love of my life asked if i’d thought about a winter coat yet. now, i bought a coat last winter, but it was already a little big and that was something like 30 lbs ago, so it’s gonna look tenty – which is both good and bad – good, because that means i’m shrinking (and it was on sale for something like $25) and bad because, well, it’s cute. and i didn’t wear it  all that much last year. apparently he saw a cute jacket in the eddie bauer catalog, and thought i might want to go take a look at it. 


is it sad that my first thought was – i bet they don’t carry plus sizes in stores? 


is it sadder that my first impulse was right?


i, of course, go to the eb website. it’s a pain to navigate, so i went straight to their customer service chat: it’s easy, especially when i’m still not quite awake. i fill in my info, and get a presumably lovely person called Crissta G. she quickly and efficiently answered my question with “unfortunately, we do not carry plus sizes in our stores. you can go, look at things there and if they’re available in a plus size, you can order them to be shipped to the store at no charge for shipping. i know it would be easier if we carried them, but at least you can see the colors and fabrics before you make a decision.”


honestly, idgaf about colors or how the fabric feels at this point in the buying process. if i’m gonna look like 15 pounds of shit in a 5 pound bag, that’s what i want to know. 


old navy does this too. at one point they carried plus sizes in select stores. now it’s all online. with returns via mail. 


sometimes i just want a $5 t-shirt. or cheap jeans. and i’d rather not wait a week to get them to see that a- they’re made really shoddily, b- they don’t fit or c- both of these things. plus, we know that old navy has a ridiculous amount of size variance, their clothes are often cut funny and two of the same aren’t close to being the same. 


i don’t want to pay shipping twice. or in the case of eb, i don’t want to spend gas money to  go out there, order something i may well hate, just to spend more gas money to come home empty handed. 


so how do you piss off a fat girl in 2 steps

step 1: have seemingly cute clothes

step 2: don’t actually carry them.


easy as pie.


cw: 341.2


carbs are the devil…. and it’s the devil i love. October 6, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — martiikuznicki @ 1:38 am

let’s see how much of this entry i can recreate from memory, because i accidently backspaced out of the window, shall we.


hi guys. it’s me again. long time no talk. i know, i’m a slacker. i’m mostly okay with it. september was hard y’all – things didn’t go the way i planned, and i was in no mind set to do/say anything here. 


but now september is over (cue me failing to pass up on the cheap wake up the guys from green day joke … … now), i can get my head back in the game. or at least try.  which means try. and probably fail- but hey, life is like that. you try, you fail, you try again.


so as i write this (or, at least as i wrote this the first time), i am eating a dunkin donuts pumpkin muffin. hence the title of the post. carbs are the devil. they’re my ultimate weakness. i can say no to candy and cakes and cookies (although, if you know me, you know that doesn’t happen all too often), but carbs (bread in particular) are really REALLY hard for me to walk past. if i could, and could do it healthily, i would live on bread and butter. or sandwiches with thick pieces of crusty bread. really. it doesn’t take a whole lot to make my eastern european peasant heart happy.just some bread.


but i know i can’t. it’s the convincing myself that i can’t that’s the hard part.


so here we are, a new month, a new start. and a new fail. but that’s life- you try, you fail, you start again. you go with it. 



  • met kris allen yesterday w/ queen b. took a picture. don’t hate how i look in it. which is shocking, since the last time i took a picture that i didn’t hate may well have been my wedding pictures. which was closer to a decade ago than not. 
  • bought a pair of jeggings, will actually wear them in public. they’re way more body con than a lot of the stuff i wear in public, but they look good. i just have to cover my ass (figuratively and literally)
  • the scale numbers are moving. i’m under 345 for the first time in as long as i can remember.  which is good and a personal best atm, and i’m good with that. 
  • the bulk of the shirts i have now are getting too big. mixed feelings, since i actually LIKE my shirts.


  • no more job. part of why september sucked – i left on my terms more or less, but it’s still gonna suck, no more job means no more 4-6 hours of me walking around 3 days a week and getting paid for it. but… it does mean i have time for the gym? idk. mixed emotions at best about this one kids.
  • tuesday has matt leaving for india and ukraine for about two and a half weeks. i’m generally a mess when he’s gone (throws off the structure to my days, makes me feel more than a little coocoobananacrackers in my head, jacks up my sleep schedule). it’s gonna be a long couple of weeks.


weight – 342.8